In Which Our Sweet, Sexy Basket Case Returns

Written last night:

Reader, you'll never guess what I am doing right now. Would you like to try? I'll give you a hint: I am waiting to meet up with someone with whom I had begun to assume that the story was over.

I have no idea what is going to happen in my guts when Caleb walks through the door. I have been nervous and jittery all day, and as you may have realized, this is an uncommon modality for me.

I would like to pause and welcome my one and only die-hard follower, my poly friend and confidante despite the fact that we barely know one another in the real world, to the blogosphere. We'll call you Dan. Hi, Dan! (Apologies if you don't like the name; I'll happily change it, but your real name was already taken.) I can't wait to see what comes out of you in this expressive format. It is in many ways even less glorious than writing in a middle school diary with a shitty aluminum lock decorated with purple glitter and galloping ponies, but hey, I find it helpful to imagine that at least someone is reading, and I have you alone to thank for that at this point. So I raise my glass to you, um, Dan, and wish you a fulfilling and liberating experience. I will eagerly follow you and faithfully keep your secrets as you keep mine. Just make sure there are plenty of dirty ones.

Back to Caleb. I don't usually have to struggle so hard to resist the temptation to premeditate an interaction. I have had moments of deep nervousness about this today, especially given the entirely ambiguous wordings of his reconnection efforts. He actually wrote in one e-mail, "Feel free to make moves." I can't tell if that was frank or just incredibly immature. Simon's wise counsel was to just keep my eyes peeled and hang back a bit, observe him and try to discern his intentions.

So there isn't much else to report. I suppose I rather skimmed over the fact that I had a lovely time hanging out and making out with Zeke in a park a few nights ago. The oversight had less to do with a lack of significance and more to do with timing. But then again, something about that situation is getting very cozy and comfortable, almost like a given part of life.

It's about time for Caleb to show, so I'm signing off for now. More to come.

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Fast forward to the present. Caleb came to meet me, albeit quite a bit later than we had originally planned, but I know of this problem of his. He dallies and rarely makes good time, and then he gets flustered and makes a big scene over how "you would think I am TRYING to make people angry, but I'm really not" etc. etc. It's a crazy dude thing, I guess.

Yes, he and his pathology are really quite a silly obsessed couple, and in order to enjoy his company, I sometimes have to stop listening to the neurotic, self-deprecating drivel and just watch his beautiful lips for a while. I don't necessarily find this to be inconsistent with honest and fulfilling relationships, however. After all, I have to tune Simon out for a while at least three times a day in order to keep my blood pressure stable. With Caleb it is much the same.

So the meeting started out rather awkwardly, without much eye contact or connection seeming to happen. After a while, we took a walk and broke into a few church yards. At some point as we were standing in front of a big red wooden door and talking about how Jesus gets the best buildings and how weird that is, he comes in to kiss me. I am reminded of what a brilliantly talented lover he is. I stop him pretty soon, though, and ask, "Really, Caleb? Again?"

And then he really started to talk. He explained that back when he disappeared, he had been so embarrassed about keeping a vital piece of information from me that he had just kept on guarding it until now. When he told me what it was, I was baffled by how such a thing could make him so nervous: basically, he was not totally finished with another woman and was aware that she might come to visit sometime soon. Really, a simple apology would have worked, but he was really stressed out about it. He had been somewhat traumatized by the awful circumstances of the woman's visit, and blah blah blah. I just had to console myself with his lips.

Then he gave a fairly long speech professing his admiration and respect for me and stating his intention to learn from my example a better way of interacting with other people. This was all very flattering, and he seemed very sincere, but I told him (and meant it) that while he is welcome in my inner circle, I will believe him when I see the evidence. After all, he's sortof crazy.

The evening ended with a short, sexy makeout behind a bush. That man's touch makes me feel like I am sinking into velvet. I wrapped my legs behind his back, and he held me up so steadily....mmmrrow. Manflesh.

So, let's pause for a summary of what is happening:

I have three lovers in addition to my primary partner, who himself is also my lover and becoming more desirable to me every day.

They all know about each other (except that Zeke is a little in the dark for a few days until I can see him again) and consent to the circumstance we are all involved in.

I feel entirely differently about each of the four men. I care for and desire them all. I feel increasingly comfortable going from one world to another, and I spend no less energy building a distinct connection with each one. My memory for details about people's lives, interests, and perspectives is improving dramatically as a result.

Odd factoid: all three of my other lovers have a young child. Coincidence? I hope to get to know all of their children better eventually.

I feel the love in me multiplying, and I feel my creative energy increasing. I have started getting really passionate about Tarot and archetypal psychology again. I have an abundance of attention for most of my pursuits most of the time. I feel like I am getting closer and closer to the sense of liberty that I am seeking. Now, let's see if I can hold steady at the eye of the storm for a while.