In Which Carnita Elaborates on Leadership and Jealousy in an Epistle of Some Import

It is annoying that I can't hand-write a letter without having to type it out again if I want to have a record of it. I do so love writing letters the old-fashioned way. And so here are a few portions of the letter I just wrote, with lacunae marked by ellipses. (Duh)

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Dear Caleb,

[...] I've thought about you today. We saw each other last night, and I felt hopeful but not overly expectant about things, and then I told Simon about it. It meant a great deal to me that his assessment was basically that your story sounds legit and my telling of it sounds sane and rational. I value his opinion about these matters, and he has given his blessing. He just cares and doesn't want me to get hurt, but he also knows that I don't have the typical (or is it?) female response to the idea of being "protected," and so he has long since known that he can't protect me. There isn't a person in the world who is qualified for that job. Anyway, I am very pleased that you appear to be back in my life in some way or other, and that both of us have had some enormous learning experiences in the interim. I regret that your experience with Beth had to be such an unpleasant one. Nevertheless, I hope you'll have the wisdom and insight about what you went through to focus less on blaming and interrogating yourself and more on acceptance, healing, and learning.

That reminds me: when I was fifteen or so, I made this patch for my shoulder bag that read, "Oh, EVOLVE already!" I thought it was very clever at the time, but now I realize that I tell myself something similar every day. When I talk about these things--all the ideas about attaining a new collective consciousness and overcoming our baser natures--with my friend Tim, he becomes convinced that we are some kind of harbingers of a new order, possibly something to do with all the 2012 hype. But I say that's baloney because Hitler and his sort have always flattered themselves with similar notions. Truly great leaders, I would assume, never intended to lead anyone, but perhaps rather set out to become their own masters and encourage others to do the same. Right? I don't know. Huge paradoxes loom.

I realized today that I forgot to speak up about something when we were talking late last night. More than likely the oversight had something to do with the fact that your lips and eyelashes are always conspiring to hypnotize me and make me forget things. Anyhow, the thing I forgot to say came up after you said that you understood the space between us to be a "jealousy-free zone." While that is a noble sentiment and experience may well prove you correct in amazing, beautiful, inspiring ways, I still feel the need to refer back to a guiding principle of honest poly relationship politics: if the goal is never to lie and to try very hard to own one's responsibility for how one feels at the same time, then there has to be room for accepting jealous feelings if they arise. Like I said, they may never come up. But if they do, then please just remember (and I will do the same) that this is still another thing that people cannot, should not lie about. And neither is jealousy a deal-breaker. In fact, a relationship that it never touches is either a miraculous rarity or, perhaps in some way, not much of a relationship at all. The point is not to avoid jealousy, but rather to acknowledge it openly but try very hard never to act on it. Does that make sense? Furthermore, if people were more open about exploring their jealousy triggers, then the likelihood of being able to resolve the feelings is much greater.

For example, Joe Shmoe first experiences a generalized thing he calls jealousy when his lover Jean Dean falls for someone else. Next time he sees Jean, he tells her that he has been struggling with some jealousy  since she started seeing Ron Jon. She loves him and is sorry that he is distressed, so she asks him for further elaboration about how he feels, and she maintains a willingness to hear him out and negotiate with him if necessary (much easier because Joe is not blaming Jean for how he feels). As they discuss things further, the source of jealousy becomes clearer: is this thing that Joe at first could only call "jealousy" actually insecurity about Jean's love for him? If so, then Jean tries to figure out what she can do to reassure him that he is loved and respected and considered. Or perhaps the jealousy isn't jealousy at all but envy, because Joe's relationship with Sally ended a month ago and he still feels lonely, so he wishes that he had a new flame like Jean does. If so, Joe has some work to do and probably needs to reconnect with some friends. Or if Joe discovers that he is actually experiencing sexual jealousy, he needs to revisit the notion of possessiveness and renew his commitment to banishing that bullshit from his spirit.

Anyway, I risk sounding awfully didactic if I continue, and that is not my intention. After all, I need to remind myself of these things all the time. But my overarching point is that it is unwise to assume that the potential for jealousy is ever simply off the table, even if you (or I) are not experiencing it at the moment.

[...] I look forward to falling prey to your insidious facial conspiracies again soon. Kissing you feels a little like tumbling into a deep velvety pocket with a fluffy trampoline inside. I remember how delicious the rest of you is, too, but I'll try not to expect too much too soon in that arena. It matters much more to me that I get to be near you at all than whether I get to take off your pants. That said, I would be very pleased to take off your pants again. Boy would I. *Melt*

Come September, I will be able to arrange to have my bed to myself if I have some notice. I would be honored for you to sleep in it with me sometime.

Sincerely,
Carn

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...And now I'll send it. I hope it is well-received. Good night, lovelies.