Thursday, February 24, 2011

In Which Carnita Practices Using a Very Specific Methodology of Communication

This is one of the times when I am writing here not because I have a lot of steamy details to relate, but because what I'm feeling is generally inappropriate for public consumption. I am in a highly emotional state that keeps wandering all around the landscape of possibility. I am also totally neglecting work in order to write.

I'm practicing my Nonviolent Communication technique (NVC). (For more info about NVC, see http://www.cnvc.org/Training/nvc-chapter-1)

So here's my little four-part NVC expression of my current scenario:

1.  When I think about work right now,
2.  I feel apathetic
3.  Because I need the clarity that I find in self-expression, and work is not providing that for me right now.
4.  So, work, could you just hang on a minute while I take care of my needs? Thanks.

This has clearly created a monster, but I love it. Here we go with a few epistolary NVC expressions:

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Dear James,

When you come into the tutoring lab and sit for hours without talking to me, I feel...

- Ashamed because I need to feel like I matter to people, especially ones I have cared about.
- Resentful because I need integrity from my friends.
- Helpless because I need mutuality.

So, could you please stop ignoring me and initiate some honest conversation?
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Dear Elena,

When you don't make an effort to see me (and then speak to me in a bored tone of voice when we do speak), I feel....

- Dejected because I need companionship.
- Disappointed because I need consistency and consideration.
- Wary because I need to trust you after the last time I was hurt because we did not talk for months.
- Mistrustful because I need respect.

So, could you please make some plans with me, act like you actually want to see me, and then stick to the plans? If not, then please clearly communicate your unwillingness to do anything to maintain a friendship so that I can start processing that reality?
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Dear Simon,

When you use childish expressions and tones of voice to demand certain types of attention from me, I feel irritated and disgusted because I need respect for my personal space and a sense of competence from my partner. So, could you try to articulate your needs to me in a normal, adult tone of voice?

When we discuss the topic of rules and boundaries in our relationship, I often feel hurt and exasperated because I need trust and understanding. So, could you try to frame more of these discussions in positive, affirmative, can-do terms? Also, could you acknowledge my negative feelings along with your own?

When you make those crumpled, drawn, frowning faces and start a lot of sentences with negative assertions during a conversation about polyamory, I feel frustrated because I need mutuality and harmony from you. So, could you try to focus on making our conversations more productive?
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Dear Dad,

When you use a condescending tone of voice to question my life choices, I feel disheartened because I need love and support. I don't want to tell you things about my life if you are going to criticize them. So, could you please offer me more unconditional approval?
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So deliciously self-oriented! I love it. I want to train myself to be able to articulate myself this way whenever it seems useful.

Furthermore, I am hoping that the heightened communication skills NVC offers can help us to navigate the new poly waters.

Did I even mention that Simon and I are in the midst of the mono-poly transition?

Whew. Yeah. Last night was a big milestone in that process for me because we actually had the opportunity to discuss poly stuff with someone who has experience--a sweet, mild-mannered Couchsurfer who I plan to hang out with again soon. I hadn't realized how much I needed a sense of community and understanding from a real person who could talk to me live and in the flesh. Online forums are great and all, but they are no substitute for real people, and this guy--we'll call him Michael--is certainly real, and kind, and interested, and generous with his knowledge.

Signing off for now.