In Which an Old Crush Is Discovered to Be Mutual, Simon Finds Potential Love, and James Repents

Backwards chronology seems more appropriate for this entry. Yesterday certainly seemed like a high point of sorts.

Caleb is a character from the rather distant past--just an acquaintance, really--whom I have crushed on since the day I met him. He is far above average in intelligence and charm, not to mention jaw-droppingly gorgeous and sexually magnetic: tall and handsome, with perfectly tanned skin and distinguished early-onset salt and pepper gray hair...and clearly, oh so clearly very sensual and attentive. I'm convinced that he is one of the goddesses' gifts to their devoted daughters. I mean, this is a guy who would make me stop to look twice if I saw him in a magazine spread in GQ, so imagine my surprise when, in the midst of a lovely conversation about polyamory on a sunny afternoon in the park, I say, "Kiss me," and he does it. And does it. And does it. I feel like I'm having electrical surges in my brain every time I think about that half hour. Dzzt! Now I can probably die without regret.

Of course, the location of this scene limited how far things could go, so I was left with an enormous appetite for sex. I got home from practice hours later still throbbing with the sweetest frustration on earth, and the curve of Simon's shoulder started to seem entirely delicious. So we fucked more enthusiastically than we have in months.

And can I just pause to relate this to one of my favorite things about polyamory? Keeping a variety of loving and sexual energies flowing through my life multiplies the availability of those resources to my body, mind, and spirit. Having multiple people with whom I can enjoy and explore this energy, I can let go of the thoughts and behaviors that accompany scarcity economies of love and sex (i.e. the panic I always used to get in monogamous relationships), which makes me a better lover to them all. I realize that it won't always feel like paradise the way it does today, but I want to put a little index tab on this time in my mind so that I can return here to reassure myself when I start to wonder whether this is worth all the heartache and turmoil I'm sure it will cause at times. If I have days like yesterday even just once every few weeks, that could justify it all.

The other most exciting piece of news is that Simon has a date tonight with one of the girls of his dreams. He's already kissed her...and yeah, she's poly! Dedicated and everything! I'm psyched for him, and I hope he has as good of an experience with that as I'm having with this. And I hope neither of us have to get our hearts broken just yet. It would be great to have a few positive experiences first.

Other updates:

James called me out of the clear azure last week and apologized to me, saying that he had had a moment of clarity and realized he had fucked up. He had realized the pathology in his "run away when it gets uncomfortable" routine and had begun to miss his friends. I was perfectly happy to welcome him back, but Simon is not so willing to let go of the betrayal. I did, however, persuade him to give the guy a chance to apologize and make things right, and he agreed to at least have a conversation with James. These are all positive developments, except I worry that Simon may lose patience waiting for James to finish up with final exams and contact him. Oh well. I've done what I could do.

Lachlan has been noncommittal and seemingly too preoccupied to seriously pursue spending time with me since our third date. I have also done everything I can do about that, so I think I'll try to just go about my business and get him off my mind for a while...which shouldn't be difficult if I focus on the two sexy beasts who are currently on the stage.

I've hung out with a couple of other people I met on OKCupid and such, all of whom were interesting and smart and friend-worthy, but none of whom I care to get between the sheets with.

I keep meaning to write more substantive stuff with more detail about how I feel and all that fru-fru shit, but I'm very busy with the actual living. I might have to treat this like a captain's log for a while: quick and dirty re-caps that hit the central points. Signing off for now.