In Which Carnita Pontificates Further

Here is the original post to which I find myself needing to add a bit more as I reflect. Yes, I'm a little drunk.

Preface/Disclaimer: I am done with resisting the urge to look at my history in terms of new narratives. I am not above it. Polyamory is a new narrative with which I was entirely unacquainted as a fourteen to sixteen year old girl, and yet its relevance to interpreting the past is significant. That is the assumption I'm going on here. Hate it if you wish. Then again, nobody reads this blog anyway, so who, exactly, are "you"? Either way, this is for you. (But mostly for me.)

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There is no way that I could have anticipated polyamory as a young teenager. Nevertheless, I see that it was there, waiting. Wanna know why?

Because the beautiful, non-possessive, purely loving and sometimes (slowly, lazily, not-rushingly) sexual relationship I had with this guy occurred at a time when I had no frame of reference for this way of relating to another human--a time when my conscious and unconscious mind were both still held in the firm grip of consensus reality/mass culture.

I was able to transcend those boundaries comfortably, without fear or jealousy, even before I was awakened to any of this poly stuff. The way I related to Lucas just made sense. It was incontrovertible because I allowed it to be.

I just want to take this opportunity to give my teenage self a high five for that.

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Dear Me at Age 14,

You may not realize how meaningful and symbolic your relationship with this man will become for you as an adult, but your adult self would like for you to know that it is perfectly alright for you to continue to love him in precisely the way that you do and simply because it feels good. You need no other justification. There may be many other things that you are doing because you think they feel good, and you will later discover that you were right about some of those experiences and wrong about others. But this is one particular scenario in which you should stick to your instincts, disregard the contrary messages your culture pumps into your sweet, impressionable mind, and just do what your soul is telling you to do. You are correct that no one--not even his "girlfriend" or your gossipy teenage confidantes--needs to know about this because it belongs to you alone.

But I don't need to tell you this; you're already doing what I'm giving you permission to do. You rock. I owe you so much for your timely wisdom.

Thanks and love,
You at Age 26