In Which Carnita Considers the Value of Patience

After sending Thomas a note about my discomfort with this uncertain feeling that's been keeping my guts a bit knotty since we knocked boots a few days ago, I realized something about this situation that led me to a somewhat different conclusion than what I had originally articulated in the last post.

He sent a rather flippant-seeming note back that basically said that he had had fun, he wants to see me again, but he wants to wait a while because he really needs to stay focused on his work for the time being. All fine. I have no reason to suspect he would lie about such a thing. It didn't really matter what exactly his reply had been because it turned out that the meaning I took from the scenario had very little to do with him in particular, a bit to do with his personality type, and a whole lot to do with my personal patterns in relationships.

So first, his personality. He feels very strongly identified with his Meyers-Briggs type, INTP. You know, super logical-positivist, somewhat lacking in the empathic arts, and intensely introverted. To his credit, he is very straightforward about the strengths and weaknesses that this temperament implies.

I have a history of being attracted to personalities like this even though consorting with them can sometimes be a less-than-satisfactory emotional experience for my exuberantly Intuitive-Feeling-Sensing personality. Basically, INTP's are not disposed to form bonds quickly, and they are slow or inadequate at the task of understanding others' needs. They can be inflexible about what they will and will not do, what sorts of experiences they care for, and how much they are willing to give of themselves. And yet there is this 99% match percentage thing on OK Cupid...weird? Anyway, the problems we could have as potential lovers are fairly predictable, but not insurmountable. He's okay, I'm okay, et cetera.

Another thing about my personal hang-ups that comes into play is my extreme impatience with confusion and lack of clarity in relationships. It drives me nuts, and I wish to resolve the confusion as quickly as possible and tend to pursue this resolution with impatient single-mindedness, which can come off as smothering, over-eager, or emotionally unpredictable behavior. Fortunately for me, my primary partner excels at responding to this need. He rarely ever makes me wait to resolve things that are bothering me. But with a near-stranger who is as scantly identified with his emotions as Thomas, it is unreasonable to expect that he should respond to my need for discussion or reassurance. I asked nicely, he nicely declined, and that is perfectly appropriate. No harm done.

Basically, the main idea that has occurred to me is that I can't rush feelings, understanding, or connection, and that it would be perfectly irrational for me to do what I was considering yesterday: cutting things off with him abruptly as a defensive strategy against his sometimes frighteningly alien personality.

I thought that the discord I was feeling about the situation--just two and three days after our first sexual encounter--must mean that getting involved with him was categorically bad news. I realize now that although the possibility remains that things won't work and that he won't be able to offer enough of what I want in a loving relationship, that I needn't be so dramatic and rush the end because there is plenty of room for him to surprise me yet.

Furthermore, if I get confused again, I can always take refuge in the strictures of correct and compassionate behavior. I do not have to humiliate myself or tear him down in any way to figure out if I can get what I want from this guy. I was being melodramatic in the face of some unpleasant feelings of self-doubt. It is actually completely normal that we ended up having sex when we did; it will be completely within the bounds of sanity to point out to him that some of his actions were less than flattering; and it will be completely bearable if in a few weeks I realize that this will not work out. Under no circumstances will I be wasting time or energy by spending some of it with this interesting and sexy (if a touch emotionally leotarded) fella.

Likewise, there is nothing criminal about having some sexual experiences with people I don't end up permanently attached to in any way. These sorts of experimental foibles are to be expected and embraced. The voice in my head that warns me about sleeping with too many people I'm not in love with is just a bunch of leftover prattle from the patriarchal, monogamous culturebot that somehow gets implanted in each subject's brain to keep us from transgressing against the status quo. I have to remember that I am completely uninterested in being a good little subject of the establishment's control, and take heart.

So perhaps I can learn a few things from this imminently rational new lover of mine. Namely, calm acceptance and patience.