In Which Carnita's Crazy Day Improves

Apparently I need this blog very much as a space to record a lot of intense processing lately. I am glad I have an outlet.

So I called Peter, and of course everything got much better with a little of his stillness and compassion. Wonderful, wonderful person. Most of what I want to get down (hopefully quickly...I've been so long-winded today) is just a few of the highlights of the conversation I had with him.

First off, through a back-and-forth sort of thing in which we were comparing notes about our relationship experiences of the last few days, I arrived at a revelation about how to approach the process of creating healthier boundaries for myself to avoid situations where unhealthy friendships end up taking up too much of my energy and getting their poison too close to me. If you read my post from earlier today about Jamie, it should be obvious what I'm mainly referring to. So the method I'd like to experiment with is sortof a benchmark test, and here's how it goes: If I am wondering whether a person is worth an investment of my time and energy, I want to think about and/or test whether he or she can handle conflict without flying off the handle.

Indicators of poor conflict resolution skills might include: a tendency to overreact to perceived judgments (even ones delivered lovingly); an inability to own their emotions DURING the conflict itself (and not just afterwards as damage control); an unwillingness to accept conflict, unpleasant emotions, and intense communication as natural and healthy parts of a loving relationship; a tendency to hold back feelings, opinions, and judgments until the pressure builds to such a high level that the only responses they can fathom are angry, vicious, hurtful explosions of shaming and blaming; or the general inability to hold space for emotional expression with courage and fortitude. That was a rambling list with a lot of overlap, but like I said, I'm trying to get it down quickly so I can go to bed.

The basic point, though, is that I need to develop some ways to fine-tune my boundary-drawing mechanisms and be a bit more reflective and self-caring when it comes to choosing who I will spend energy on. Peter made the excellent point that this is a necessary aspect of honoring ourselves as precious creatures whose time and effort is valuable. I have been much too floppy and permissive about letting other people draw boundaries because it is easier for me to adjust, it seems, than for others to adjust to my preferences.

The scarcity mentality I've been operating in has replicated this belief in my mind for a long time, and has become self-fulfilling in ways that I don't like at all now that I am aware of it. So, time for a change. I'm not going to start manifesting healthier relationships in my life while I'm obsessing over the impossibility of finding them in this fucked up world. While the world gives us plenty of evidence to go on that it is basically awful and people are small and cruel, there is also plenty of evidence to the contrary. The latter is what I'm going to interest myself in.

The other super interesting part of the conversation came when Peter shared with me that one of the most significant things that has happened for him in the last few days is a sudden and overwhelmingly compelling reconnection with his feminine side. He's been dressing in women's clothes and toying with the idea of transitioning in a more intentional and longer-term way to a femme sort of role. He was so cute about it. At one point he sighed loudly and said, exasperated, "I just can't keep wearing all these frumpy men's clothes!" I giggled. He said that being able to wrap himself in woman things felt like an immense release in a way that it never has before. I was totally excited for him, and I said that I would like for him to tell me if there is any way I can assist, i.e. with his wardrobe, or by helping him wax hair off, or...you know...with sex.

Oh, reader. He perked right up at this. We spent the next hour talking about fantasy scenarios of his and how we could make them happen. He asked if I would take him out while he wears full drag and play wing to him as he embodies woman-ness for the evening. Hell yes I will, and would you like me to queer it up as a boy, Peter? Yes, in fact, he would like that. And, reader, will I enjoy removing his leather miniskirt and bra later that evening? Indeed, I will. Mrrrrrow. We gave each other homework to do more reading about dominance play and do a lot of thinking and dreaming about possibilities. Even though we are both very new to the practice of role play and other kinky doings (and we know first-hand that many of our initial experiments may be quite awkward), we are both totally game. We were thoroughly excited by the time we hung up. Yay!

I am exhausted from making out until 2:00 am and holding back tears all day. Time to sleep. Goodnight, lovelies!