In Which Carnita Outlines a List of Dating Criteria and Relates a Tale of an Unexpected Hot Date With a Local Celebrity

Since I have been thinking so much about learning how to set boundaries that are more likely to result in manifesting what I want out of my love relationships, I thought that it would be a good idea to make a concrete list of things that I expect out of the next person I end up in relationship with/making love to. It's my way of setting intentions and signaling them to the universe, I suppose. I pasted the list in at the end of this post.

On another related but different topic, I had a fucking incredible date with someone new last night. To clarify just how awesome it was for me, I'll say this: If my next couple of dates with Silas go as well as the first and things seem to be naturally progressing (and I can check off a few more items on the list), then I will willingly stop sleeping with anyone else other than Peter without being asked to. I will have the gentle let-down conversation with Colin, Dante, Caleb, and anyone else whom I might discover lurking around the edges of my life, hoping to get a piece of me at some point. And if this happens, I will be totally happy with my lot and rest easy at my two-lover status. (Judging by the make-out session I had last night, I doubt I could handle much more sexual energy...) But we shall see if he turns out to satisfy my exacting criteria before making any bold moves.

So, I suppose some explanation of where the hell this even came from is in order. Silas is, as mentioned, somewhat of a local celebrity, so much so that, lest I risk my and his anonymity, I hesitate to give any more detail about him except to say that he is a very prominent performer in the area who is involved in many arms of my town's arts scene. I have been watching him and admiring his work ever since I first moved here almost ten years ago, but I never really dared to imagine that his affections might some day fall on me.

Now that we've interacted outside the performer/audience dynamic, of course, I realize that he's actually quite human and that it makes perfect sense that we would like each other. The rock star in my imagination came down to earth to meet me, and he is sweet and sexy and available. Mrrrow.

I'll have to explain the run-down about our date (maybe plural "dates" by then) when I have more time. I have to meet Jess to practice the fire spinning moves Silas taught me last night.

I realize that I am making myself seem a bit crazy again, what with all the mind-changing over the course of sometimes less than twenty-four hours. Oh well. The weather of my heart goes through periods of accelerated change, I suppose.

(Side note: the petty child inside me is delighted by the prospect of dating someone of whom Lachlan is openly envious. That is another story, and I don't want to indulge the feeling by explaining it too much, either. It's a nasty, base little feeling. But it's there.)

...On to THE LIST!

From now on, before I get too heavily sexual with anyone, I need to establish that at least half of the following criteria are met. In no particular order, my ideal sweetie...

- Doesn't have any major known interferences that will keep him from being present  for the relationship in the foreseeable future.

- Does not have a known reason why he might suddenly leave the relationship over something that is completely outside of my control.

- Does not want children or marriage.

- Is independent and does not need constant ego-validation.

- Openly asks for validation when he needs it.

- Is generally capable of being vulnerable, and can handle others' vulnerability with love and compassion.

- Is curious about me and seeks out information about my life, what motivates and interests me, and my ways of understanding.

- Notices my peculiarities, and likes most of them.

- Understands and respects my perspectives on most things even if he does not agree with them.

- Respects boundaries without whining.

- Is open and honest about his feelings and actions regardless of perceived possible outcomes. 

- Has strong communication skills, and does not shy away from using them.

- Has emotional depth and maturity.

- Can hold space for expression of strong emotions without freaking out or assuming that he is being threatened somehow.

- Has a broad capacity for loving and caring for more than one person at a time.

- Is sexually uninhibited/has little to no sexual shame

- Is basically confident and aware of being in charge of his own destiny.

- Is busy with plenty of fulfilling activities.

- Acknowledges me in public.

- Never pretends that we are not involved in order to manipulate a situation to his advantage.

- Is responsible and conscientious about keeping agreements and seeking consent as often as he needs to in order to make me and/or other partners feel safe and considered; does his part to keep everyone informed at all times.

- Prefers having open conversations about boundaries over making assumptions about them.

- Is not squeamish about being in the presence of his partners' other partners.