In Which Carnita Has More Vehicular Fun With Colin and Somehow Incurs an Old Friend's Wrath

Happy bits first: Last night I stayed up much too late talking to and making out with Colin. I'm a happy, sleepy girl...again. Ha. I'm still feeling reserved about how far things should go and when, but I was reassured by the ease with which he could be convinced to tell me his life story without holding back. He doesn't exactly have much blindingly brilliant insight about how his upbringing affected his development--it's a pretty atypical story, and I was totally enraptured as he told it--but he certainly understands more about himself than I had originally assumed, and he seems to want to try to be as honest and straightforward as possible. He told me that his girlfriend is moving here within a few months, that they have a sortof "don't ask don't tell" policy regarding their sexual choices while they're apart (which creeps me out a bit), and that he is a former addict. None of these are pretty realities, but I am relieved to hear the truth. I think that I can relax a little bit about the implications of getting involved with him as long as I keep my wits about me.

So, on to the sexy stuff. I am totally excited about the first time we get to be naked in a private place together. His intimate personality is a completely different sort from Peter's. (Of course, so far I love them both!) On the one hand, Peter's movements tend to be firm, intentional, and often very slow and sensual. He has a dynamic range of intensity levels, and he switches between them smoothly and frequently. He's confident and uninhibited and knows what he is doing. He vocalizes freely and loudly from deep in his belly. He flows. This is all way hot.

On the other hand, Colin is sortof explosively energetic, moving in the tense, frenetic way of an impossibly excited pit bull puppy...which is also totally hot, despite how weird the comparison may sound! I'm always having to ask him to put brakes on his intensity, and he'll be able to manage it for a minute or less before he's frantically licking and tugging and nibbling at me again, panting and moaning, exploring every inch of my still-clothed body. He seems to come from everywhere at once. When I have my eyes closed, it feels like he has more than two hands because of the way they flutter all over me. He makes these desperate, pleading sorts of sounds in his throat every time he touches me somewhere new, notices a new curve, or bends his head to offer more of his neck or ear to my searching mouth. His every muscle seems to beg for release. He was actually visibly trembling with desire for much of the time leading up to the moment when I finally got him off. There's something incredibly sweet about the ardent, teeth-gritting need in a really young guy's lust. I think I could make a delightful game of trying to blow his mind in more and more dramatic ways each time we tangle. I think, for instance, that I may eventually ask him if he would allow me to tie him up...yum. His head might explode.

Yeah, that brings up a good point about what's so interesting and unique about the dynamic with him: he brings out my long-dormant domme side. I like the idea of cultivating a little bit of a counterpoise to my usual role (which I've heard described as "pushy sub") and broadening my range of sexual expression a bit.

Anyhow, I hope it works out, but if it doesn't, I won't be too crushed. Unfortunately, I suspect that my happy Colin story and my unpleasant Jamie story may have something to do with each other...

(Interjection: Lachlan just walked in again and sat down to chat for long enough to insert himself into my thoughts. *Sigh* If he had taken the offer of my love, there might be very little for me to write about here, reader. He's still my white buffalo, the one that got away.)

** (See edit below)  I'll start with a bit of backstory about the latest drama that has little to do with me and yet affects me. So there's this girl Jamie, right? I've known her almost since I've lived here. We worked together at a little specialty foods market, where she was one of my managers, during a few of the years I was in college. At first we were really tight, but our friendship's history since she broke up with this abusive man she was with for some years is splotchy and blemished. You would think that things would improve once the friend leaves the nasty relationship, and I suppose that in the most important ways they have--i.e. she's not getting beat up and talked down to every day--but since then we've had all sorts of tension.

There are the two patterns that my long silences with Jamie tend to follow (both incredibly similar, actually, to the patterns I have with my oldest friend from high school, Jess, whom I mentioned a few posts back):

1.) She flies into a rage over something relatively small, says a bunch of awful things that she can never take back about what said event indicates about my character--usually something to the effect of how arrogant and sanctimonious I am--and tells me to go fuck myself. I am totally baffled, but I give her the space she's clearly asking for. Eventually she comes around, apologizes, and wants to be friends again. Since I have no pride and I get very bored and/or uncomfortable with unresolved conflict, I'm generally happy to let her back into my life, and we resume hanging out. If we include the present situation, she has done this three or four times in the almost eight years that we've known one another.

(Side note: I'm seriously considering whether this laissez-faire strategy has been working for me as well as I think it has. I've tended to think of my easy forgiveness thing as successful because I generally get to keep all of my friends. However, it may be worth considering that sometimes one should hold a boundary and be more discriminate about how often repeat offenders are let back into the perimeter. Yeah. I really need to think seriously about that issue. Anyway, back to the reasons why Jamie and I "break up" for periods of time...)

or 2.) I get tired of/disgusted with/disturbed by her frequent drunken misbehavior and withdraw from her, with varying degrees of explicitness about the boundary. This is what had happened the last time we didn't talk, and it was probably the longest silence we'd ever had. I think that she had just done her thing from #1, but we had drifted back together without processing much of what had happened at all. Then I realized that not only was she still holding on to lots and lots of animosity towards me, but she also had started to really bore me with how dull and obnoxious she became when she drank, which was pretty much all the time. These were reason enough for me to tell her, in perhaps less-than-polite terms, to leave me alone and stop "feigning closeness" (my exact words, I believe).

Recently, yet again, we had a quiet reconciliation in which we simply drifted back into the habit of hanging out a bit without any direct conversation about what had happened. One other tiny bit of backstory is that around this time Jamie told me that she had made out with Colin once. She said she had tried to sleep with him, but it didn't happen because he was too "emotionally unavailable." My translation of that is: "not attracted to you, Jamie." I thought that immediately because I know a few things about her--she's tried to jump on me when she was shitty drunk more than once before--and Colin sheepishly confirmed that whatever story he told her about the girlfriend back home was basically his way of letting her down easy. He feels terrible about ever hooking up with her at all, but he feels (probably very wisely) that as the new guy in town, he must be very careful about alienating anyone. He ain't dumb, ladies and gentlemen.

This brings us to the most recent shit show, which has me considering drawing a very strong and durable boundary with Jamie. The only obstacle that might make me consider forgiving and moving on as pals after this is the fact of how incredibly inconvenient it is to have enemies in such a small town where everyone I know hangs out at a small number of places and can't avoid seeing each other. Otherwise, fuck this shit. Anyway...

So I logged in to facebook when I got home after dropping Colin off last night to check the event page for Peter's workshop, and what I saw was appalling. The first thing was a late-night post from Jamie in which I had been tagged (first and last name with a link to my profile!) and which read, "Intimacy is not for tourists of the heart, Carnita." She had unfriended me, as well. Then, the worst thing: I went to the event page for Peter's workshop, and there was a post from her that said something like, "Paying to participate in an orgy is just beyond me." She had commented on her own post a couple of times, but I forget exactly what they said. I do remember that they contained suggestions that participants must be prostitutes or something. Fortunate that I was able to shame her into taking them down, but not before lots of people saw it, I'm sure.

So, the damage can't be undone, I'm totally humiliated that one of MY friends was responsible for such a crude remark on Peter's main advertisement for an event he's been looking forward to and planning for months, and I have no idea where this came from. I can't help but think that she is upset that I have been getting it on with Colin...but I have no idea how she would have found out. Anyway, silly drama bullshit aside, there is probably an important question in all this: should I be more vigilant about protecting my energy from hostile people? This is the main thing I'm struggling to answer for myself right now.

**EDIT:
After I finished this post, I received this message from Jamie:

I realize I acted like a middle schooler. That was stupid and childish of me, I've deleted my posts, yet somehow I'm not sorry. It was just odd because I had been thinking alot about sex and intimacy since our last conversation, then I started having people ask me if I had gotten the invite to your orgy...Yeah, its not an orgy but some people have been thinking that.

I don't really care to enlighten you on my feelings right now. We're on completely different learning curves, and I feel no need regress. Have fun on your path. I'm going to stick to mine.


I responded with this:

It's not an orgy--it's actually a no-touch event that has almost nothing to do with sex except in that sex has to do with everything, which you might understandably not pick up on from the facebook invite--but I don't particularly care what anyone thinks, obviously. 

It was nice having another brief tour of friendship with you, and I'm sad that it has to end in such a hostile and ugly way. I don't recall doing anything to harm you, but I suppose you're as entitled as anyone else to do as much smearing as you wish. I expect it from acquaintances and suchlike. However, huddled with the herd and pointing and laughing from the corner just isn't where I imagined you, old friend, would end up in relation to me.


I am absolutely baffled and hurt. I want to go home and cry very badly, but I have at least two and a half more hours of work to go. I don't know whom to talk to. It seems like Peter is the wrong person. I'm freaking out.