In Which, Yet Again, the Pace Is Dizzying.

This is one of those weeks in polyland in which I can hardly keep up with all that is going on. I am hoping that a few things at least can smooth themselves out before the weather starts to turn. I would like to find myself in a roughly polyfidelitous situation by then. I've changed my mind about seventeen times the past few weeks about with whom I would like this to coalesce, but such is a woman's prerogative. Or something like that. Right?

Rewind to last Thursday. I met up for drinks with a woman we'll call Crystal, a friend from the martial arts school who also attends with her husband and nine year-old daugher. We had been talking about doing it for weeks, and we finally made it work. The short version of what ended up happening is that she started spilling some beans about her marriage problems, so I spilled the beans about polyamory. (There are now a total of seven or eight people there who know about our unconventional arrangement.) As soon as I started talking about it, her eyes got wide and she started eagerly asking questions. This was a bit like a flashback to the first time Harriet and I ever talked at length--a conversation that catalyzed hers and Zeke's decision to try polyamory. Really, I don't go around proselytizing, but I'm always open to questions, and I keep ending up in positions of extreme influence on other people's lives by my willingness to answer them. I think the appeal of polyamory, for many people, speaks for itself. But it gets weird when people with long-standing partnerships, and KIDS, for Chrissake, start to rely on a clueless twentysomething who thinks of most children as bothersome details.

Anyway, Simon and Crystal's husband John eventually met up with us at a different bar, and then we all drifted back over to our house. We stayed up much too late talking about it all, and then right before they leave at whatever o'clock in the morning, Crystal busts out with a question: Who are the most attractive people at the martial arts school?

I, of course, immediately name Anthony (mentioned here). Simon names Sandra, a hot mom with a bubbly demeanor. John names Delilah, but with the caveat that her attitude makes her unattractive. We have to bully Crystal's answer out of her even though she asked the question. She's blushing, she's giggling, and still I don't anticipate the answer: Simon! So she confessed, and there was an awkward conversation about it wherein Simon says that the attraction is mutual (here in front of his cheerleading partner and her extremely confused partner).

Next, Dan, Crystal, and John came with me to this huge post-Transformus DJ dance party Saturday night--the one where I knew I would see Lachlan. Simon wouldn't come for the same reason he did not care to go to Transformus: he hates dubstep and hippies and party drugs, all of which are ubiquities of that scene. I was trying to have fun hanging out with Dan, who is, by the way, one of my new favorite people, but Crystal and John kept dragging me off for long, difficult heart-to-hearts about poly practice and their relationship issues and yadda yadda yadda. I tried to answer their questions, but I felt like I had to keep reminding them that I am not a guru who can tell them how to live their lives. I reached my limit at some point and just sortof walked off and started dancing...which is why I was there in the first place. I understand their extreme excitement and need to discuss things--they've been doing the ol' no sleep routine just like we did when this conversation first arose. Nevertheless, party time is party time. Plus, there was this sexy redhead just across the room all by himself...

And so I arranged to run into Lachlan, and he greeted me warmly and of course remarked upon the fact that I was looking smokin' hot. (True story. I had spent much of the day putting together my costume, which featured a tasteful negligee, lots of bits of pink lace ribbon on my neck and ankles and such, and my tuxedo shoes. Hot.) We were in each other's arms before we exchanged a word, with me sortof nibbling on his neck. Given, he was pretty high on who knows what, but it just made him super open and sweet. Late in the evening, before I was about to leave, I told him that I would love to see him next week. He said that yes, we should do that, but he can't do the sex thing with me anymore. Of course, I think WHYYYYY?! Well, because he's been seeing a young lady whom he really likes and doesn't want to mess up his chances with her. She was supposed to be at the party with him, but she had had to work or something. I was a bit devastated by the news, and sortof hung onto his shirt frowning for too long, but he was nice about it. And he still sortof kissed me before I left.

So this is where the weather of my heart started to get out of control. Reader, I was upset. I didn't know whether to feel dumber for letting him get away or for having such a sudden and uninvited surge of feelings for him in the first place. It was rather dramatic. I wrote him a long letter that I knew I wouldn't send. In it, I offered secondary fidelity to him and promised to let all my other lovers (not Simon of course) go in order to have the chance to be with him. I obsessed over what to say to him in a few days when we had lunch together. I tried to persuade him that I can give him what he needs...and then I put all that away in brackets and stewed inside my own head.

Next day, Sunday: Crystal and John called to arrange some time to hang out and talk. We decided on Tuesday.

Monday: Lachlan arranges lunch for Wednesday.

Tuesday: We go to John and Crystal's to swim and have burgers on the grill. More talking. And more talking. In every possible arrangement of the four of us. Apparently, Crystal has been rather obsessing over Simon, to John's extreme discomfort and my extreme wariness. The noobs are clearly jumping into a lot of feelings head first, and the issue is likely compounded by the common early poly transition experience of getting very little sleep, which of course can drive a person absolutely batty. John admitted to a few bouts of homicidal rage towards Simon, for example, along with hours of sobbing punctuated by amazed enrapturement with Crystal's new demeanor. So yeah, things aren't all that stable. We reassured them that their boundaries will always be respected, I made it clear that I am not sexually interested in John, and we all parted on good terms.

Today: I met Lachlan for lunch, and boy was I nervous. This is the man who hasn't left my thoughts for weeks, and before that, months...and I probably have to tell him at least some abbreviated version of how I feel. Otherwise, what the hell will I talk about? The fucking weather? Impossible. So it went something like this:

Me: So, may I be plain?

Lachlan: I like plain things.

Me: I want you. I can't stop thinking about you. I haven't gotten like this over anyone else since Simon and I have been together--I mean, I've cared for people and loved them, but this is the more mysterious thing. I don't even know why I feel this way. I mean, there are reasons, but none of them quite get to the point. And that's how it is.

Lachlan: Well, the feeling you're describing, that is how I am feeling about this other woman. I know it might not last long because she's so young and she seems pretty unavailable most of the time, but I need to figure out what's up with her. Plus, you know I don't really want to do the poly thing. I don't deal well with jealousy.

Me: I understand, but let me clarify. I am telling you that if you asked me to, I would happily stop seeing other people--Simon of course doesn't count, but my other lovers. I would let them go. Just to be perfectly clear.

I don't remember his precise response to that, but he probably continued on about why he has doubts about polyamory and I probably continued to shoot down his assumptions about "how it is." That tends to be how things go.

Anyhow, after I left, I was again dejected, and then I was angry. I decided that it was a good time to tell Caleb off, and in a little fit of impotent fury, I texted him to ask that he disregard the letter I'd just written him. He called, worried and confused, and listened to me vomit emotional ick for a while. I told him I didn't trust him, that I thought he was lying to me again, and that I don't know where he apparently got the impression that a low-maintenance woman is a no-maintenance woman...He listened calmly, and then he sweetly, wisely comforted me and guided me to get my head screwed back on straight. He wants to see me, he desires me, he will call me more often, etc. He made me feel so much better, and he accepted the little flash of crazy as something people need to do sometimes. I felt like such an asshole for insulting him so many times recently when talking about him to other people who don't know him. I mean, I said some mean things about him just because I was having a hissy fit over not feeling loved enough. Totally immature! At least I can mostly take them back because I didn't say them to him. Simon said about the matter, "Please still wait until he proves something." I think that's good advice, Simon.

And just now, a long text exchange with Lachlan that concluded with this little gem: "There is no rejection, just a raincheck while I figure stuff out..." The boy is leaving windows open all over the house for me. I don't know what to think of it.

We are headed to Harriet and Zeke's for a few minutes now, and then we're heading off to beautiful San Francisco for a few days. I may be writing rather compulsively through all that plane travel. See you on the other side of the country!