In Which Carnita Feels Ambivalent About the Day's Events and Recovers from a Long Talk Hangover

The news media announced in the wee hours of this morning that Osama Bin Laden has been killed. At first, I was delighted to hear it. Soon afterwards, I started to realize that there are probably plenty of eligible replacements ready to spring up in his place--perhaps several at once, which someone in the blogosphere compared to the effect of cutting off one of a hydra's heads. And the three that grow out of that wound may be even more pissed, even less cautious, and even more desperate for glory than old Binny himself.

Not to mention that after my original reaction to hearing this, I recoiled with remorse to realize that I had been celebrating the death of a human being by the hand of other human beings. This is clearly at odds with my commitment to nonviolence. Furthermore, bin Laden's death has done nothing to change the American addiction to homogenizing the world in its image, often by the assistance of force and horrific violence--you know, the most basic and legitimate complaint that bin Laden and his followers had against us as a nation.

Anyhow, politics and war are not subjects I care to spend much time with here, so I'll leave it at that. I'm nothing if not ambivalent about this event. I was, however, happy for the validation Caleb felt when his prediction that Obama would be the president to catch the elusive bin Laden came true. You see, when Caleb worked as a campaigner in 2007 and 2008, this idea was one of the most emphatic points of persuasion he used when discussing politics with voters.

I remember this; when he started the spiel with me, I would nod and throw in a sincere-sounding "mm hmm" from time to time so that he would keep talking and I could be free to stare at his beautiful mug from close range. Now I can relax about that since I am free to look at him almost as often as I'd like, and I can actually enjoy getting to know his intellect, his heart, his motivations and beliefs...and of course, his (almost certainly endearing) habits while he sleeps or orgasms or concentrates on something very intently. Oh, I can't wait.

Were you wondering how I was going to get back around to the main plot? Marvel: I went from bin Laden to Obama to Caleb, and as always, somehow back to sex. Call it a talent.

Phew. Speaking of our most beloved topic, I am beginning to find out what the people on the forums mean about polyamory sometimes entailing that we spend so much time communicating that we rarely get around to having sex. Simon and I certainly spent an inordinate amount of time discussing things yesterday and last night, and I feel completely emotionally exhausted. Nevertheless, I think it is important to re-cap the results of our labors.

I'll start with positives so that I won't feel too bad about the possibility of having to rush through the ickier bits. I'm sure I'll have plenty of time, possibly my whole life, to think about and work on the particular issue that made part of our conversation unpleasant even if I don't get around to writing about it today.

The main positive development is that Simon and I agreed to a few timely things regarding his mental health and my...um...sluttiness index.

Simon has been suffering from pretty severe anxiety lately. I am not surprised that a transition like this would bring it out of him--it isn't the first time and won't be the last, I'm sure. Anyhow, his end of our little bargain was that he is going to take some responsibility for his mental health and apply some intention and goal-setting to that process. We can't have him descending the spiral into the dark land of constant panic attacks.

My end of the deal is that I am going to slow down in the New Lover Acquisition department, focus on what is happening right now (i.e. Simon and Caleb), and try to be as present as possible for those things and--*gasp* maybe even some other aspects of life!--as possible. I agreed that when we first started discussing polyamory seriously, I felt so liberated and excited that I went a bit boy crazy. That was probably a necessary little phase, but now I'm ready to tuck in a bit and set a reasonable pace with all this relationship-building. I agreed not to seek out any more lovers at the moment and to try to tone down my fairly constant sexual vibrations, and I feel remarkably confident about that decision.

For instance, it was so lovely hang out with my poly friend Daniel at the park today without wondering what the whole interaction was about. We could talk like old friends about our relationships, play with the dogs, and lie around in the grass on a sunny afternoon without confusion. I know that doesn't sound like much to get excited about, but lately it has been difficult for me, in the presence of any attractive man, to keep my curiosity and hyperdriven sexuality from becoming an issue that interferes with comfortable interaction. I feel like even my roommate, for whom I have nothing but platonic feelings, has started to feel a bit creeped out by my affection, or perhaps just the way I'm always oozing with it. I was beginning to feel marked--as obvious to everyone I meet as a bitch in heat. That may not be a terrible problem in itself, but I believe that it will be healthier to allow the hormonal morass to dry out just a touch.

I think that I was wise to skip the gloomier topic because I have run out of time to write for today. I send my love to my two new readers. I have like three now! Incredible, isn't it? If you're here and hiding, by the way, do speak up. Signing off.