In Which Our Protagonist Contemplates the Necessity of Failure and the Joys of Platonic Love

Reader, so much has happened. For some time now, I have been in a holding pattern that has killed my creative drives for the time being, but I will try to at least relate the most important bits.

Starting with the most important: Simon and I have decided to divorce. If there are, in fact, any readers of this blog of whom I am unaware, you may be saying to yourself, "How terribly obvious." And yet it took until this very mature moment for me to realize for myself how inevitable it was.

We had a lovely conversation that gushed with mutuality and warm feelings: we should never have gotten married; that institution should never have determined our relationship to one another; Simon had no idea until recently how much he would want things like monogamy and CHILDREN for Chrissake (neither of which, clearly, are available from me); we have incommensurably different goals and drives in life; it is unfair to remain locked in a sexless domestic partnership if that's not what either of us want...et cetera. We agreed about almost everything, and in general, it was probably the smoothest breakup I have ever experienced.

We have both very recently told our parents, and neither they nor any of our mutual friends have seemed terribly surprised. And yet I am still reeling a bit at the thought of how monumental this failure feels. I can't regret getting married, but it was a huge mistake nonetheless. At least it appears to be a mistake with relatively few heavy, interpersonal consequences... *sigh* I was so stupid!

I am sure you can imagine that this whole marriage adventure has been a very valuable learning experience for me. I look forward to a long stretch of singlehood, or at least a state of being without a primary partner. Lachlan and I have been getting along beautifully, and I love the weekly hangout sort of relationship we appear to be developing, but I don't particularly care to take things much deeper than where they are with him. I have been casually dating people from OKCupid here and there, mostly just to meet new people and hang out, but I haven't felt my heartstrings being very available for...um...plucking. I like the cleanness of it, actually: I feel perfectly clear about so many things that felt muddled even two weeks ago.

For example, I finally got around to deciding that Caleb is a lost cause. He came to visit a few days ago and we had a nice enough time, but there was something pretty awkward and forced about it. Then, when we went to bed, he of course couldn't sleep and so got up in the middle of the night to leave. He never called the next day. I am over it.

The nicest I've felt in bed at sleepy time with someone was when I was spooning with Valerie last night. I am perfectly content for the time being to treat my friendship with this amazing and compatible woman as the thing most worth my attention and effort in the social sphere, rather than sinking so much (confused, murky) intention into my exploits with men. I believe she is going to come home with me for Thanksgiving or Christmas, in fact.

In general, our home has become a platonic lovefest since Simon left. Harvey, Valerie and I are such a warmly affectionate and functional little threesome. Being with the two of them turns my heart into a little bubbling fondue pot full of velvety sweetness.

I believe that summarizes it. I feel tired and sapped of creative energy, and this circumstance has made it difficult to write. I will return, though. Happy autumn weekend!