Actually, I really hate the term "cougar" and the demeaning connotations it carries. (Of course, why would I be surprised at the range and breadth of possible insults that one could decide, in a pinch, to level against any sexually empowered woman? There is a ready-made label for any kind of woman or girl who is in charge of and/or enjoys her sexuality.) Some day, I fully plan on becoming one of these middle-aged hotties whom twentysomethings long to fuck. It sounds like a wonderful life of the sweetest community service I can imagine.
I just didn't expect that I would be getting in the game so early! So there's Peter, who is five years younger but astoundingly mature, and just last night I added to my collection a sweet young thing whom we'll call Colin. He is technically only three years younger, but he is clearly in a pretty different developmental place than I. We had a lovely conversation for hours into the night before I climbed on top of him in my car...but I kept having the sensation of playing a teacherish role in the situation.
But really, is there anything necessarily wrong with enjoying myself with a sweet, flipping gorgeous (and fully consenting-age) boy whom I like and who likes me? I guess when I put it as simply as that, the idea of an ethical quandary of some sort sounds silly and dramatic. If anything, I am much more capable than many younger women of protecting his heart, treating him like a valid human, and giving him mind-blowing sex. Furthermore, we both might have something to learn from crossing the age/experience gap. So I'm doing all his future partners a favor, and he is gifting me with the experience of navigating the ethics of loving a tender, delicate creature.
For example, how can I help him feel empowered despite his insecurities and avoid accidentally exploiting his less articulated sense of self-identity? Basically, how do I keep myself from unintentionally influencing him more than I should? To what extent is it acceptable to teach him the things that I believe really will help him to become a more empowered and individuated and whole person? These are the sorts of questions that I am asking myself.
I am reminded of a Dan Savage quote regarding ethics of the age gap. It said something to the effect that when fooling around with young'uns, the most important guiding rule is that you must do your utmost to leave them better than you found them. It's sortof a "leave no trace" approach to love, which has the double advantage of downplaying the effects of natural power dynamics and accounting for the need to care very intently for the younger partner's well-being. (What was this called in ancient Greece? Pederasty?)
I think that this mindful sort of approach seems completely sensible, so I'm going to go ahead and allow myself to look forward to my next tumble with this ohmygod beautiful creature I made out with last night. I just have to keep in mind, more than with a man who is an equal peer, that it is my goddess-given duty to pleasure him beyond his wildest dreams. Mrrrrow. Colin, baby, you're in deeeeeeeep trouble.
Yes...I can relate. I am the "middle age hottie" who can blow young men's minds with hot sex...and it's amazing. They are so beautiful and grateful and hot and excited and...obedient (a quality I enjoy).
ReplyDeleteLove the young men!
Shoot, I'm a guy, and I often find myself doing the same thing with women. Older, younger, it doesn't matter. Yeah, I'm poly and most of them are monogamous, but I get into a state of mind where I just can't help but want them to feel safe, and... very often, that leads to some physical intimacy that they have been desperately craving inside for a long time.
ReplyDeleteI'm an intimacy whore. I just love it when I can share a good time with a woman, and we can both look back on things with a big smile, knowing that we did the right thing by indulging in each other's skin.
Not too long ago, I took a friend of mine to bed who hadn't had any intimacy in years. I just told her "I know what you need, and it ain't me specifically, but I can give it to you for the moment." I'm no boyfriend material for her, but she certainly doesn't regret giving in - and we're still friends. Ain't nothin' wrong with that. I consider you my partner in sexual-leveling-up crime, hehe... :-)
@Ruby: ...And don't you think that perhaps in a perfect world, most young men's first sexual experiences would be with an older woman? I mean, I feel like young women would have better sex if this were generally the case. I know I probably wouldn't have had such a lackluster time back my late teens with boys my age had they been even the least bit trained in the amorous arts.
ReplyDelete@Positive: You're what a friend of mine calls a "joy toy." I bet if more men knew that being really caring and intimate with their female friends could often result in lots of wonderfully tender and connected yet strings-free sexual encounters, then we'd have more of you. Please tell as many people as possible about your ways. ;-)
Unrelated: I feel like celebrating. You're the first people to ever comment on my blog. There are maybe three people in the world who have ever read anything from it. So, I appreciate your visits. Thanks!