Hottest thing I've found on the internet so far: http://gaygifs.tumblr.com/
Recommend others, please?
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
In Which Carnita Joins OK Cupid, Meets a Disarmingly Attractive Ginger, and Acquires a New Fantasy
It is a god damned beautiful day in North Carolina. I am going to make an effort not to edit too heavily as I write so that I make sure to get all this down before it becomes necessary to go spend some time in the sun.
Let's begin with Agreement Phase 1. Simon and I agreed, for the moment, to keep dating activities--mine, anyway--to the earlier parts of the day because he tends to get the most intense emotional stress when we're apart at night. In the interest of being slow and deliberate, this seems fair to me. At first, we'll avoid the most likely triggers while we build some trust and get practice negotiating all this. We didn't set a specific time for renegotiation, and I'm beginning to realize this may have not been a good idea. For these things to work properly, we need to be specific and clear, be able to anticipate things ahead of time, etc. So I think I am going to suggest to him that we set a time limit on the current arrangement.
My concern about correct procedure is totally separate from what is making me a little impatient right now. Simon and I both joined OK Cupid not more than two weeks ago, and I have already gotten lots of messages from interesting men and women despite the vagueness of my profile photo. I've already had a couple of dates. He, on the other hand, is getting pretty discouraged by the apparent lack of interest he's managed to generate.
I know that OK Cupid is way easier for a woman--it's just the site's modus operandi that the men do all the work and the women just sit back and say yes or no--but it really does seem rather odd that he has had almost no responses to his messages. I mean, his profile clearly shows that he's interesting and talented and attractive. So my working theory is that women have more of a tendency to reject a polyamorous man than vice versa. I've had guys who have no previous experience with non-monogamy being interested in meeting me. Somehow I doubt that there will be as much interest from women in a man who is very straightforward about being married/partnered. I am not sure how to test that hypothesis. My second theory is that his photo is not revealing enough to generate any interest in his appearance. He's trying to be protective of our personal lives, and so am I, but I think it may really be hurting his chances of meeting folks. Anyway, initial problems aside...
I met someone I like on my second date! I totally wasn't expecting connection or chemistry to happen that quickly, but sure enough, the minute I shook his hand, I knew that the basic ingredients were there. I'm not sure why; it's not like he's any sort of conventional hottie, but I find him to be gut-stirringly attractive. I'm not usually into redheads in particular, but his gingerness is somehow very sexy and peculiarly rugged. He's an accomplished craft artist who owns both a production facility and a school. He's refreshingly honest, he smiles and makes lots of eye contact, he listens and asks the right questions, he has a good sense of humor...
He is also involved in a somewhat complicated situation. He lives with his child's mother, and they are both officially allowed to date other people, but it's not perfect. There's a touch of jealousy at times--which, praise goddess, he was honest about!--but they're trying to make it work for the sake of the kid. I think that's actually very cool of them, and I appreciate how unapologetic and straightforward he is about it all. It bodes very well for his overall character, not to mention his sexual personality.
The reason why this makes it difficult to be patient is that dreamboat, hereafter known as Lachlan, literally works seven days a week, usually until 8:00 at night. And I am not to leave Simon alone at night. And Lachlan is only available at night. And I am not available any night. See?
Waiting weeks or months for the freedom to investigate all his freckles is going to be a chore. Possibly such a chore for him that he loses interest. I can't possibly expect him to hang around and wait a couple of months for my curfew to get lifted.
Oh well. Welcome to after-the-fact polyamory, Carnita.
The rest of my OK Cupid adventures have mostly served to create some possible friend connections. We might be able to make some poly couple buddies out of my investigations.
Now, on to my new(ish?) fantasy....
Basically, I've realized that gay male sexuality is a huge huge huge turn on for me. I think I started to realize it a long time ago with the anecdotal observations of how fascinating it was to watch boys make out. Then I realized it a little more clearly with James, especially the part when he was going down on Simon. I mean, every time I think about that, I get that hungry churny feeling in my belly. Mrrrrow.
So the most recent phase of all this realization began with a masturbatory experiment. I found some sortof sweet, not-too-hardcore gay porn, and I was so immediately turned on that I surprised myself. I mean, I have always had a bit of an ick factor with butt sex, and maybe I still do, but now I know that it's not so icky that I can't ever enjoy watching it. I finally found this one photo that was for some reason evocative enough to supply all the fantasy material I needed for many lovely orgasms in a row. It was really pretty cheesy: two underwear model-type shirtless hotties in a barn during the spring, with hottie number 1 sitting in the rustic little window, and hottie number 2 sweetly jacking him off. I have no idea what was so hot about it....
And then I started thinking about Simon with James again, and I gave myself permission to explore that without judgment. And then I started thinking about all-male schools (preferably high school age or older, ha ha) and their sharp little uniforms...
I'm really onto something with that. We'll see exactly what as the plot develops. I just know that there hasn't in a very long time been any scenario-based fantasy that could make me cream myself so thoroughly.
I have a naked time date with Simon tomorrow. I'm psyched.
Signing off to go play in the sun and think about two men who would have trouble conjuring up a way to look more different from one another. It makes for a very interesting tableau.
Let's begin with Agreement Phase 1. Simon and I agreed, for the moment, to keep dating activities--mine, anyway--to the earlier parts of the day because he tends to get the most intense emotional stress when we're apart at night. In the interest of being slow and deliberate, this seems fair to me. At first, we'll avoid the most likely triggers while we build some trust and get practice negotiating all this. We didn't set a specific time for renegotiation, and I'm beginning to realize this may have not been a good idea. For these things to work properly, we need to be specific and clear, be able to anticipate things ahead of time, etc. So I think I am going to suggest to him that we set a time limit on the current arrangement.
My concern about correct procedure is totally separate from what is making me a little impatient right now. Simon and I both joined OK Cupid not more than two weeks ago, and I have already gotten lots of messages from interesting men and women despite the vagueness of my profile photo. I've already had a couple of dates. He, on the other hand, is getting pretty discouraged by the apparent lack of interest he's managed to generate.
I know that OK Cupid is way easier for a woman--it's just the site's modus operandi that the men do all the work and the women just sit back and say yes or no--but it really does seem rather odd that he has had almost no responses to his messages. I mean, his profile clearly shows that he's interesting and talented and attractive. So my working theory is that women have more of a tendency to reject a polyamorous man than vice versa. I've had guys who have no previous experience with non-monogamy being interested in meeting me. Somehow I doubt that there will be as much interest from women in a man who is very straightforward about being married/partnered. I am not sure how to test that hypothesis. My second theory is that his photo is not revealing enough to generate any interest in his appearance. He's trying to be protective of our personal lives, and so am I, but I think it may really be hurting his chances of meeting folks. Anyway, initial problems aside...
I met someone I like on my second date! I totally wasn't expecting connection or chemistry to happen that quickly, but sure enough, the minute I shook his hand, I knew that the basic ingredients were there. I'm not sure why; it's not like he's any sort of conventional hottie, but I find him to be gut-stirringly attractive. I'm not usually into redheads in particular, but his gingerness is somehow very sexy and peculiarly rugged. He's an accomplished craft artist who owns both a production facility and a school. He's refreshingly honest, he smiles and makes lots of eye contact, he listens and asks the right questions, he has a good sense of humor...
He is also involved in a somewhat complicated situation. He lives with his child's mother, and they are both officially allowed to date other people, but it's not perfect. There's a touch of jealousy at times--which, praise goddess, he was honest about!--but they're trying to make it work for the sake of the kid. I think that's actually very cool of them, and I appreciate how unapologetic and straightforward he is about it all. It bodes very well for his overall character, not to mention his sexual personality.
The reason why this makes it difficult to be patient is that dreamboat, hereafter known as Lachlan, literally works seven days a week, usually until 8:00 at night. And I am not to leave Simon alone at night. And Lachlan is only available at night. And I am not available any night. See?
Waiting weeks or months for the freedom to investigate all his freckles is going to be a chore. Possibly such a chore for him that he loses interest. I can't possibly expect him to hang around and wait a couple of months for my curfew to get lifted.
Oh well. Welcome to after-the-fact polyamory, Carnita.
The rest of my OK Cupid adventures have mostly served to create some possible friend connections. We might be able to make some poly couple buddies out of my investigations.
Now, on to my new(ish?) fantasy....
Basically, I've realized that gay male sexuality is a huge huge huge turn on for me. I think I started to realize it a long time ago with the anecdotal observations of how fascinating it was to watch boys make out. Then I realized it a little more clearly with James, especially the part when he was going down on Simon. I mean, every time I think about that, I get that hungry churny feeling in my belly. Mrrrrow.
So the most recent phase of all this realization began with a masturbatory experiment. I found some sortof sweet, not-too-hardcore gay porn, and I was so immediately turned on that I surprised myself. I mean, I have always had a bit of an ick factor with butt sex, and maybe I still do, but now I know that it's not so icky that I can't ever enjoy watching it. I finally found this one photo that was for some reason evocative enough to supply all the fantasy material I needed for many lovely orgasms in a row. It was really pretty cheesy: two underwear model-type shirtless hotties in a barn during the spring, with hottie number 1 sitting in the rustic little window, and hottie number 2 sweetly jacking him off. I have no idea what was so hot about it....
And then I started thinking about Simon with James again, and I gave myself permission to explore that without judgment. And then I started thinking about all-male schools (preferably high school age or older, ha ha) and their sharp little uniforms...
I'm really onto something with that. We'll see exactly what as the plot develops. I just know that there hasn't in a very long time been any scenario-based fantasy that could make me cream myself so thoroughly.
I have a naked time date with Simon tomorrow. I'm psyched.
Signing off to go play in the sun and think about two men who would have trouble conjuring up a way to look more different from one another. It makes for a very interesting tableau.
Friday, March 18, 2011
In Which There Is One Last Act Within the Old Paradigm
Gentle readers, I have a confession.
Well, remember all that stuff about nonviolent communication and compassion and love that polyamory inspired? It's not that anything about the plan has changed; I still fully intend to continue to throw myself into reorgnanizing my brains to become a healthier and more emotionally mature person. I want to learn to behave more compassionately, love more deeply, and treat myself with more care and consideration. I want to resist the urge to blame and take offense, I want to handle my emotions sanely, and I want to reach a deeper level of acceptance of people on their own terms. All of this is still true.
However, yesterday I did something that completely violates all the rules of the new way, and I feel pretty fine about it. I may regret it later, but I had my reasons, and I made my choice. I am coming to see this rather childish, reactionary, and quite violent gesture of mine as the last little death throes of the old me, demanding some recognition as it passes on. It probably needed that, poor thing.
It is no mystery why it happened the way it did. In about the most vindictive and horrible way possible, I burned--nay, blew to smithereens--a bridge with an old "friend" by whom I felt extremely slighted. I had spent several months crying and raging over Elena as she had suddenly--truly with no warning--begun to coldly ignore me or treat me with vague scorn. It had been going on for months, and I was coping with the slow realization that I had actually somehow fallen in love with her, albeit non-sexually. I'm talking about the real thing though: totally batshit crazy in love--you know, the dangerous kind that threatens to crumble foundations and smash your psyche into little shards of busted mirror when the loved one leaves you.
And yes, I was feeling busted, to say the least. Like someone had reached into my chest and ripped something out and not bothered to tidy up. I had stayed up all night crying over her, screaming on the inside, hitting things, and once I calmed down a little, trying to figure out how to at least create closure if I can't have her back.
So I went to work exhausted, and wrote her a short e-mail--much shorter than the one I wanted to send. I told her I hated her. Then she sent a very cold one back that explained, rather nonsensically, why she didn't want to see me. The last line announced that she was formally ending our friendship. It pissed me off, but I was relieved to at least have a little kindling to burn. So then I replied with a HORRIBLE one.
I mean, I haven't sent a letter that nasty and hurtful in years. I called her a liar and a faithless little crab and said that she would die alone and adrift if she didn't change...I snarked about how she could avoid that fate if only she would trust any real human more than she trusts her statues and whispering voices (she's a sortof eclectic spiritualist who actually does put a lot of stock in the messages she receives during her Ayahuasca hallucinations). I mean, it was epically bitchy. I was pretty surprised that I had it in me.
But I immediately felt much, much better. Being a solipsist, she is unlikely to have allowed the contents of my screed to touch her. Once she discards people, she's done. I know this from listening to how easily she could go from hanging out with someone enthusiastically several times a week to being convinced--usually by some minor event that should be just a blip in the course of a meaningful friendship--that the same person was somehow poisonous or contaminated with some vague disease which threatened Elena's...um...purity? Or clarity of purpose? Or something? I never quite got her rationalizations. It always seemed to me like a way to cover up for an intense fear of intimacy. Intimacy is just so messy, and it brings so much foreign energy into your life...EWWW....
Okay, I'll try to resist falling into shit-talking again. But hey, that is one of the perks of an anonymous blog that no one knows about. I can do this without harming anyone...except maybe myself, if I can't let it go.
That is exactly my point, though. I feel like this one last catty bitch-out needed to happen so that I could reach some sort of equilibrium and walk into the next phase feeling clean and balanced. I had to purge her from my life to complete the picture of an ideal future that my reflections on social experience have been painting for me lately, of a quite exclusive tribe that has no room for people who don't "get it."
My tribe has to "get" polyamory, of course, but the issue is so much larger. I don't mean any absolute "it" that must be got because I realize that most of what I want is subjective and entirely qualitative: harmony and mutual understanding, rather than specific characteristics. There are, however, plenty of specific characteristics that I am learning to watch out for. My experience with Elena has certainly taught me a few new things to be wary of, as well as a few techniques that people use to cover up their flaws. I won't be blindsided by the same things again.
So, here's to big, messy goodbyes! Goodbye, Elena. Goodbye, monogamy. Goodbye, blind acceptance of jealousy. Goodbye, catty note-writing. Goodbye, energy vampires. Goodbye, shame. Goodbye, self-loathing. Goodbye, denial and avoidance. Goodbye, emotional dependency. I hope you all find a nice, warm beach somewhere to spend the rest of your days without me.
Well, remember all that stuff about nonviolent communication and compassion and love that polyamory inspired? It's not that anything about the plan has changed; I still fully intend to continue to throw myself into reorgnanizing my brains to become a healthier and more emotionally mature person. I want to learn to behave more compassionately, love more deeply, and treat myself with more care and consideration. I want to resist the urge to blame and take offense, I want to handle my emotions sanely, and I want to reach a deeper level of acceptance of people on their own terms. All of this is still true.
However, yesterday I did something that completely violates all the rules of the new way, and I feel pretty fine about it. I may regret it later, but I had my reasons, and I made my choice. I am coming to see this rather childish, reactionary, and quite violent gesture of mine as the last little death throes of the old me, demanding some recognition as it passes on. It probably needed that, poor thing.
It is no mystery why it happened the way it did. In about the most vindictive and horrible way possible, I burned--nay, blew to smithereens--a bridge with an old "friend" by whom I felt extremely slighted. I had spent several months crying and raging over Elena as she had suddenly--truly with no warning--begun to coldly ignore me or treat me with vague scorn. It had been going on for months, and I was coping with the slow realization that I had actually somehow fallen in love with her, albeit non-sexually. I'm talking about the real thing though: totally batshit crazy in love--you know, the dangerous kind that threatens to crumble foundations and smash your psyche into little shards of busted mirror when the loved one leaves you.
And yes, I was feeling busted, to say the least. Like someone had reached into my chest and ripped something out and not bothered to tidy up. I had stayed up all night crying over her, screaming on the inside, hitting things, and once I calmed down a little, trying to figure out how to at least create closure if I can't have her back.
So I went to work exhausted, and wrote her a short e-mail--much shorter than the one I wanted to send. I told her I hated her. Then she sent a very cold one back that explained, rather nonsensically, why she didn't want to see me. The last line announced that she was formally ending our friendship. It pissed me off, but I was relieved to at least have a little kindling to burn. So then I replied with a HORRIBLE one.
I mean, I haven't sent a letter that nasty and hurtful in years. I called her a liar and a faithless little crab and said that she would die alone and adrift if she didn't change...I snarked about how she could avoid that fate if only she would trust any real human more than she trusts her statues and whispering voices (she's a sortof eclectic spiritualist who actually does put a lot of stock in the messages she receives during her Ayahuasca hallucinations). I mean, it was epically bitchy. I was pretty surprised that I had it in me.
But I immediately felt much, much better. Being a solipsist, she is unlikely to have allowed the contents of my screed to touch her. Once she discards people, she's done. I know this from listening to how easily she could go from hanging out with someone enthusiastically several times a week to being convinced--usually by some minor event that should be just a blip in the course of a meaningful friendship--that the same person was somehow poisonous or contaminated with some vague disease which threatened Elena's...um...purity? Or clarity of purpose? Or something? I never quite got her rationalizations. It always seemed to me like a way to cover up for an intense fear of intimacy. Intimacy is just so messy, and it brings so much foreign energy into your life...EWWW....
Okay, I'll try to resist falling into shit-talking again. But hey, that is one of the perks of an anonymous blog that no one knows about. I can do this without harming anyone...except maybe myself, if I can't let it go.
That is exactly my point, though. I feel like this one last catty bitch-out needed to happen so that I could reach some sort of equilibrium and walk into the next phase feeling clean and balanced. I had to purge her from my life to complete the picture of an ideal future that my reflections on social experience have been painting for me lately, of a quite exclusive tribe that has no room for people who don't "get it."
My tribe has to "get" polyamory, of course, but the issue is so much larger. I don't mean any absolute "it" that must be got because I realize that most of what I want is subjective and entirely qualitative: harmony and mutual understanding, rather than specific characteristics. There are, however, plenty of specific characteristics that I am learning to watch out for. My experience with Elena has certainly taught me a few new things to be wary of, as well as a few techniques that people use to cover up their flaws. I won't be blindsided by the same things again.
So, here's to big, messy goodbyes! Goodbye, Elena. Goodbye, monogamy. Goodbye, blind acceptance of jealousy. Goodbye, catty note-writing. Goodbye, energy vampires. Goodbye, shame. Goodbye, self-loathing. Goodbye, denial and avoidance. Goodbye, emotional dependency. I hope you all find a nice, warm beach somewhere to spend the rest of your days without me.
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